Faith

 

I am a Christian woman. I live by faith and ask God for guidance and direction on a daily basis. I cannot build a blog without adding a site named Faith to it to thank God for all He has done for me. The pages I add will include short stories, poems, quotes and photography. All about faith and inspiration and how it has developed my life. All to glorify God, my Father and in Heaven.

I have always believed in God and Jesus Christ as His son and my redeemer and savior, thanks to my mother who raised my brothers and me on a strong Christian belief. I lost my mother July 13, 2015 unexpectedly related to a blood clot after having hip surgery. The loss devastated my family and we were lost. How can this family go on without mom? She was always our guidance, our support, our prayer warrior. Who was going to pray for us  like mom did?

After mom passed away, my dad, who had chronic kidney disease, gave up on life and fell very ill. On Oct 21, 2015 three months after losing our mother, we lost our father also and he went home to be with mom in Heaven. Another devastating loss. Another devastating blow to me and my brothers. How could God do this to us? Why take both our parents only a few months apart? We were not finished grieving the loss of mom yet, now we would have to grieve for the loss of both. Why did this happen to a faithful, loving Christian family?

I barely made it through my mom’s funeral services. I felt myself withdrawing and felt as if I was going to collapse. I was confused, lost and angry. Angry at the doctors, angry at the hospital, angry at the physical therapist even angry at mom for having the hip surgery in the first place. I was mostly angry with myself. I am a registered nurse. I save people. Help people. Why could I not help my own parents? How could I miss signs of immanent death? I beat myself more than a person should. Their death was my fault. I could have somehow saved them. I can no longer pick up the phone to ask mom when is the best time to trim my rose bushes. I can no longer talk to dad about making our own homemade cheese and sausage. I had a sadness in me so profound that I thought I was going to explode internally.

Three months later when we were standing in front of the same church we held mom’s funeral at to go to my dad’s funeral, I told God. “I can’t do this again Lord. I cannot go through this again. The pain is too great for me to bare. Please let this all be a nightmare and wake me up!” God said ” You can bare this. I am with you. Your children and your family are looking to you for comfort. Be still and know that I am with you”  God gave me my husband’s strong shoulder (which literally held me up during the funeral service) and I made it through another of my parent’s funeral. I have never felt God’s presence more than I did after my dad’s funeral. He gave me a peace and comfort that day when I thought I to was going to die myself. After dad’s funeral I said “Please forgive me Father for doubting you. Please take this anger away from me and give me peace.” He did.

Our family is a close family. My 2 brothers are my best friends. I turn to them in time of added support. I comfort them, they comfort me. My husband is my pillar and rock. He is a former Marine and law enforcement officer and gives sturdy, quiet, strong support on a level that most women do not have from their husbands. He doesn’t have to say a word to let me know he is by my side always.

My number one rock and pillar of support and guidance is God. I feel Him guiding me always. I know He understood why I asked so many questions after mom and dad’s death. He comforted me. He continued to love me, and told me all was well and that He was watching over me and my brothers now and mom and dad had another purpose for Him. I trust Him and let go of my hurt and anger and asked Him for forgiveness for questioning Him on why He would let my parents leave us kids only 3 months apart.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; New Living Translation Proverbs 3:5. I said this bible verse a thousand times while grieving the loss of my parents and giving everything to God. I let Him take over my life and have never felt more at peace. When you give your life to God, miracles happen. Comfort comes. Thank you Lord Jesus for letting me share this painful story on this blog.

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